Write the opening of a story about a new beginning - AI essay feedback

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Write the opening of a story about a new beginning - AI essay feedback

Use TILFFrom LFLF

Use TILFFrom LFLF

Jumping forward into the unsettling and pugnacious clouds that loomed over the roaring and thunderous sky that seemed to beg for mercy under the overwhelming force of each drop, scattering into fragments on the marble like leaves which the aggressive breeze hoped to take from, its essence which symbolised life was under attack by the sharp and merciless winds that took form and aimed to recover its loss, but was trampled by its own feelings. In the Deep, devastating darkness, the dull wall oddly reflected her feeling of sadness as the brightly coloured drawings showed a happy family of three, as she looked at the drawing, her hand trembled as if reminded of something terrific, she struggled to reach the phone which was violently ringing as it continuously lit up as if to make her remember her dreadful past that was haunting her, she moved cautiously as if any mistake might be the end of her. She asked herself, how did i end up here? . It was as if she was trying to shake of the nightmares that aimed to drag her down into the abyss. As she reached for the phone, she suddenly became shocked, the once dull home now became her source of hope as she regained the vitality that once had been dragged down by others. The bright drawings suddenly became the light that had been recovered, she became so over the moon that her cautious nature disappeared with her trauma, the more she scrolled, the more happy she got, the less terrified she became as he was finally caught. The years she spent being humiliated by society had made her emotionless and lonely, this was the first she shed tears of joy, she only thought of one thing: family which she had not seen in years . It may be that the weather reflected her mood as the once sunken and depressed mother finally found justice for the death of her child. She was so happy that even the sun seemed to sense her complex emotions.

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30/40

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In the first paragraph, your use of imagery is strong, but it feels a bit long and convoluted. Try breaking it into two sentences for clarity. For example, instead of 'Jumping forward into the unsettling and pugnacious clouds that loomed over the roaring and thunderous sky that seemed to beg for mercy...' you could have 'She jumped forward into the unsettling, pugnacious clouds. Above her, the sky roared and thundered, begging for mercy under the weight of the rain.' This makes it easier for the reader to follow your ideas. (AO2)
In the second paragraph, your emotional connection is evident but could be stronger. Instead of 'the dull wall oddly reflected her feeling of sadness', consider 'the dull wall mirrored her sadness, contrasting sharply with the bright drawings of her happy family'. This strengthens the link between her emotions and the environment. (AO3)
In the third paragraph, you shift focus to her thoughts and memories. Expand on her feelings as she reaches for the phone. For example, explain what memories arise as she hears the ringing and how that impacts her action. This deeper insight into her mind adds dimension to your writing. (AO3)

What Went Well

The imagery used throughout the essay is vivid and captivating. For example, phrases like 'the dull wall oddly reflected her feeling of sadness' paint a clear picture in the reader's mind. This type of descriptive language is rewarded by examiners as it enhances engagement.
Your essay has a strong emotional core, especially as the character recalls her family. The tension between her past and present is well portrayed, which makes the reader care about her journey. This emotional depth is vital for top marks.
The use of contrasts between the dark clouds and bright family drawings effectively highlights the character's emotional transformation. This technique is recognised by examiners as it demonstrates your ability to weave thematic elements into your narrative.

Even Better If

Try to vary your sentence structure to improve flow. For instance, 'she asked herself, how did i end up here?' could be rephrased for impact: 'She wondered how she had ended up in such a place.' This keeps the readers engaged and enhances readability.
Avoid repetition to keep your writing sharp. You mention her happiness multiple times; instead of saying she was 'over the moon', consider 'filled with a renewed joy'. This change maintains your style while improving clarity and precision.
Expand on the climax of her emotions when she reaches for the phone. Describe the rush of feelings she experiences—perhaps fear, hope, or regret. This deepens the emotional impact and can elevate your writing to a higher grade.

Stronger Writing

As she reached for the phone, she was overwhelmed by a storm of emotions. Memories flooded back—fear and dread fought with a flicker of hope. The ringing seemed to echo her heartbeat, each tone urging her towards a decision that could change everything. It was as if she felt the weight of her past pressing down, yet a tiny spark flickered inside her, urging her to answer.