Write an opening for a story about two people from very different backgrounds.

Right foot.Left foot.Repeat.Droplets of rain stomped all over my face-despite all this I was still smiling.The hairs on my arm stood on end as though a standing ovation for what I’d done.Gusts of wind beat at me, leaves flew at me, raindrops washed all over me - all this was nature’s way of telling me my mother knew best.

The biting cold nipped at my bare but was powerless in comparison to the blanket of warmth embracing me.

It was like any other day.I followed my usual day to day routine - but today was different- despite the sunny haze painted across the sky;I felt a nudge in my spirit to take my coat.Now usually I would have never considered it.

But my mothers words began to ring in my ear,

“We’re getting into Autumn now. Keep yourself warm” .

I guess I’d be foolish to not take my coat after such a direct memory ,wouldn’t I?

And so I made my way out the front door down my usual pathway.Normally I rarely see anyone on my morning run; it’s a time where me and my thoughts really run wild. I began to pace myself. Occasionally I’d try to move at the speed of my thoughts (which was a bad idea by the way).

One.Two. Three. Breathe . In and out.

I methodically planned out my every breath in these walks. Nothing took place without me ore-planning it out.

Suddenly my routine was paused.

Unlike the every day ,I came across someone.A very small someone to be exact. His eyes were glazed and full of life.But then almost as though second by second it was like the life had been squeezed out of them. The longer I looked- the more I saw. Drop by drop I watched his youthful joy get rinsed out from him.

I took a step back.His hair brushed out yet still a mess. His shoes beat up, broken and too big for him. Loose threads were draped from what seemed to be his uniform.

I was in disbelief, “Surely that wasn’t supposed to be his coat?”, I asked myself.

Pockets torn from the side ; a zip that wouldn’t close; a hood that barely went over his head.

I began to compare myself to him.

Freshly cut hair; brand new trainers(which i insisted on customising) ; a coat that couldn’t be faulted.

As I looked at him an immense wave of realisation hit me. This is the gaping divide between the rich and the poor.

Without any hesitation, I ran up to this little school boy and gave him my jacket. His eyes brimmed with gratitude a delightful smile was shot at me. I’ll never forget that smile- it will forever be engraved in my memory.

And even though I had given him what I had on my in that moment - still I wished I’d given him more.

And with that I began to circle back on my walk. Just as my mother had said the autumn weather manifested itself to me. Despite the treacherous weather attacking me I clung into the feeling of greater goodness deep within me. And with this my methodical nature resumed.

Right foot. Left foot. Repeat.

But it felt good to break my usual routine.

Practice This

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AIExtended feedback

Mark

33/40

Mark breakdown

AO521/24
Communication is convincing, effectively portraying the emotional divide between the two characters. Tone, style, and register are matched to the purpose, with a conscious attempt at vocabulary and linguistic devices. Organization is mostly coherent, with a narrative structure that supports the development of ideas.
AO612/16
Sentence demarcation is mostly secure and punctuation is used effectively, although some areas could benefit from refinement. Vocabulary is varied and generally effective, with some accurate spelling of more complex words.

Paragraphs feedback

In the first paragraph, you create a vivid sense of feeling with rain and wind. However, consider including more context about why you are out in this weather. This will enhance the reader's understanding of your character's motivations (AO1). For example, you could add, 'I had decided to go out for my morning run despite the storm, motivated by the need to clear my head.'
The second paragraph describes your internal thoughts well, but it could benefit from including more sensory details. Try to show more of the setting around you, making it relatable to the reader (AO5). For instance, you could describe the way the street looks or how the chilly air feels against your skin: 'The leaves crunched beneath my feet, and the chill nipped at my nose, reminding me that autumn was here.'
In the third paragraph, you introduce another character effectively, but remember to connect more personally with the reader. Dive deeper into your feelings upon seeing the boy (AO2). An example could be, 'My heart sank at his visible discomfort; it was a harsh reminder of how fortunate I was.'
The fourth paragraph has a strong emotional punch when you give the boy your coat. To enhance this moment, consider adding a description of how this act made you feel physically and emotionally (AO5). For example: 'As I handed over my jacket, warmth filled my chest, contrasting sharply with the cold raindrops on my skin.'
In your concluding paragraph, you reflect on the experience nicely, but it could be strengthened by summarising what this taught you about compassion and social divides more clearly (AO1). For instance: 'Running back home, I felt not just the cold, but the warmth of knowing that small acts of kindness could bridge the gulf between rich and poor.'

What went well

Your use of sensory details helps to paint a strong picture of the setting and your experiences. This helps the reader feel present in the moment.
You have successfully introduced themes of social disparity, which adds depth to your story and allows the reader to connect emotionally.
Your choice to make the act of giving your coat a pivotal moment is compelling. It encourages the reader to reflect on kindness and empathy.

Even better if

Consider linking your character’s thoughts more explicitly to the setting in the first paragraph. Adding context about why you run in such weather can enhance the narrative (e.g., 'Today was different because...').
In paragraph two, incorporate more sensory descriptions of your surroundings to create a stronger atmosphere. For example, describe the sounds of raindrops hitting the pavement.
When you describe the boy, provide a stronger emotional reaction to your observations. Show how this moment impacts you personally to engage the reader more fully.

Stronger writing

As I approached him, an overwhelming sense of responsibility washed over me. 'Surely that wasn’t supposed to be his coat?' I thought, sadness gripping my heart, as I noticed how it hung off his frail shoulders. My freshly cut hair and brand-new trainers felt like a stark contrast to his worn-out shoes and threadbare uniform, reminding me of the privilege I often took for granted.

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