how many marks did i get - AI essay feedback

I decided it was time to go out on my boat for the first time after the accident. It was a hot, glamorous summers day. The sea was crystal clear, and the sun was shining as bright as a diamond. The sun blooms on the horizon, golden petals stretching outwards ever outwards in into the rich blue lake. It is the brilliant flower of the sky that warms our days. Morning sunlight shone through the curtains as mike was waking up. Morning comes with a chance to start a new day.
I got changed into my fishers’ men’s outfit and I headed outside to start his mission. As I was about to set off on my mission i heard someone shout “STOP, STOP, STOP”, I turned and around and it was my friend Bob. I haven’t seen him in ages. “Climb aboard” I replied. Together we off set off slowly but steadily. Like a graceful swan, the little boat sailed along the horizon. The sea was a sheet of glass. We were as old as erosions in a fishless desert. As we were approaching our spot to start fishing, we kept hearing noises. “BANG, BANG, BANG”. We had no idea where it was coming from. It was getting louder and louder and louder. Then BOOM. Silence. We were as still as a stone, still trying to figure out what we were hearing but we continued with our mission.
When I was younger, it was a wintery day, and I was out on my boat with my captain. It was as cold as ice. The water was like ice, sending shivers down my spine. My fingers were starting to get frosty. The raging wind was starting to pick up, it was getting to some quite high speeds of about 90mph, the tension was rising. Bright, flashing lightning lighting up the cloudy sky like a fireworks display. The thunder boomed like a giant drum in the violent and crackling sky. A bolt of lightning hit the air its path causing it to expand rapidly. Me and the captain were starting to get extremely worried; the weather wasn’t meant to be like this. I spotted a ginormous iceberg up ahead and we were heading straight towards it. I was warned the captain “ICEBURG ICEBURG, UP AHEAD WATCH OUT”. It was too late the boat had already hit the iceberg. There was absolutely no going back. I was severely injured. I was covered in bruises and scars. The captain wasn’t hurt too badly, he tried to call 999 but there was no service because of the storm. We managed to create a fire and send a signal to see if anyone was out there. There was a little village up ahead. Someone saw our signal and they sent a helicopter to the rescue.
Me and Bob continued with our little mission. We managed to catch some fish. We figured out what the noise was, it was a family trying to catch some turkeys, but they had no success. After what felt like a really long day we decided to head home. I had an excellent first trip since the atrocious accident.
As the sun dipped below the horizon, the fleeting colours of dusk began to fade away. The charcoal black rocks circled around small pools of water, shimmering confidently before dark fell upon us. The trees were strong, black soldiers, standing in an unmoving row.
We arrived back home safely.

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Feedback

AIStandard feedback

Mark

25/40

Mark breakdown

AO515/24
AO610/16

Paragraphs feedback

The opening paragraph sets a vivid scene, but it could benefit from more clarity regarding the accident mentioned. Consider providing a brief context or hint about the accident to engage the reader more effectively. For example, you could add a sentence about the nature of the accident before describing the beautiful day.
The conclusion wraps up the story but could be more impactful. Instead of just stating that you arrived home safely, consider reflecting on the experience or the lessons learned from the trip. This would provide a stronger emotional closure.

AO feedback

To improve in AO5, focus on enhancing the clarity and coherence of your narrative. Ensure that transitions between scenes are smooth and that each paragraph contributes to the overall story arc. For AO6, work on varying your sentence structures and using more precise vocabulary to enhance the vividness of your descriptions.

What went well

The essay effectively creates vivid imagery and engages the reader with descriptive language. The use of similes and metaphors adds depth to the writing, particularly in the descriptions of the sea and the storm.

Even better if

To achieve a higher mark, the essay should have clearer connections between ideas and more concise language. Reducing awkward phrasing and ensuring that each sentence contributes to the overall narrative will enhance clarity. Additionally, consider adding more emotional depth to the characters' experiences.

Overall feedback

Overall, the essay presents a creative narrative with strong descriptive elements. However, it lacks clarity in some areas and could benefit from more concise language and stronger emotional connections. Focusing on these aspects will help elevate the writing to a higher level.

Essay and feedback